Kimberly Vargas Agnese

You’d think that the pervert in your family wouldn’t follow you around and try to bully you on your own WordPress site…

Hi:)… As many of you know I am a survivor of an abusive incestuous family.   I wrote this poem several months ago when one of the primary perverts in my family began harassing me and demanding that I speak to him. 

I had just begun writing for an online political website and had an article published mentioning childhood abuse.  At this time I did not mention this person’s name so as not to embarrass him.  However, he threatened to follow me around online and harass me unless I spoke to him… my response was to go no contact with him .

When I checked my comments this evening I saw that he had found me here on WordPress as well.

I will not be posting his comment but will tell you the gist of it.  His name is Robert Butcher Jr. and  he is my brother. In his comment I believe he thought he was outing me by telling you all that my last name when growing up was Butcher… this is true… however, my grandmother told me that originally our last name was Bucher and it was changed during immigration. 

Kae Bucher is a pen name that my daughter thought would be fun to use in this blog and as I seek publication elsewhere.  My first name is Kimberly … get it?… K(Kae) for Kimberly.  My father died a couple years back and so in honor of my grandparents on that side I go by Bucher.  

He also wanted to inform all of you “that I hate my mother.”  This is not true.  However, it is true that she knows about his incestuous behavior and takes his side.  I have also written about her abuse of me when I was small… i do not hate her but do feel quite abandoned, rejected and hated …by her.

In addition he wants you to know that I am “unstable” because I accidentally misused the spelling of the word it’s.  He was very concerned that you understand that as an English major, I have failed you.

So there you go Robert… this one is for you 🙂

( I wrote this poem when he first began harassing me awhile ago)


I Rise From Incest’s Grave… today I speak

on saturday
his email invites
me back
to hell…
back into
the shell where
he wants me…
his ice cube eyes
follow me…
in emails he stalks me…
flips the script…
like he owns me…
flips me upside
down… and
once again I am
14 years old… and
those hunger-filled eyes
follow me…not
lovers’… but hunters’
hands glide
over places of me
they shouldn’t…
once again i am
14 years
afraid…
14 years so
unsure of my own voice…
I am…
…silent….
once
again he wanted to…shhhhh….
… silence…
…shhhhhh…silence…shhhhhh…
silence…me…shhhhhhh…lest
shhhhhhhhh…because his lustful
ears…
his lustful
eyes demand
scapegoat quiets… scapegoat silence…or…
or…
else…
sometimes it
doesn’t matter if
you don’t talk to
strangers…
sometimes
just being born is
dangerous…
once
again i
am 14 years old… and lustful eyes follow me… not
lovers’ eyes… but
brothers’ lies…
incest climbs out of its nest to send
email on Saturday…
quietly I acquiesce on Sunday… for two weeks i am
his silent offering… but
on the third…
my
voice rises from
the grave… Today
Today. Today.
I SPEAK

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Published by Kimberly Vargas Agnese

My name is Kimberly Vargas Agnese, though I've previously written as Kae Bucher. I was born in the Florida Keys, but grew up in the Bay Area before migrating south to the San Joaquin Valley. As I ride barefoot around Fresno, I consider the paths I've chosen and the crossroads where our country seems to have perched itself. Thanks to my Romani ancestry, many people groups reside within me and my poetry tends to reflect this. I love welcoming the sunrise with my Native American flute. I've been rumored to juggle while teaching students how to write. And if you can't find me, I'm probably hanging out with Jesus listening to parables.

74 comments

  1. Dear Robert,
    Your sister does not have to explain herself. Justify her choices. Clarify or defend herself against your pathetic disgusting attempts at bringing her down. She has risen above you. She has lived, survived, YOU, and blessed ME and so many others because she is an absolute angel. You, are the devil. Stay away from her. You stalking, harassing her, is only showing the guilt of what you did to her. You should be in prison.
    It is a shame that you are not in prison.
    If I were her I would get a restraining order against you so that any contact by you would send you straight to jail.
    Repeated contact is against the law you sick sick mother fucker. Leave her alone.
    And just because you THINK you got away with doing what you did to her, God knows, we ALL KNOW WHAT YOU ARE No comment that you make, no email, no words that you say carry any weight because you are NOTHING. You are scum. Scum gets no time. Seriously, go away. No one wants you hear.
    Your sister is a survivor. She is strong. She is a warrior. She is a writer. She is gifted. She is a poet. She is everything you will never be. I am on her side. I am part of her tribe of supporters. I love her and true love, real love, is THIS. Not you. You are just repulsive. May we never hear of the curse of your birth again. Stop stalking your sister. There will be consequences for what you are doing.
    In great distain for your existance
    And in great respect for your sister
    Bethany Kays
    Yes. That is my real name. Although when my family came here they were named Sternhell. But being Jewish their names were changed to Sternhill. I married and became Kays. But my pen name is also a different name occasionally because it is my life and my choice.
    Oh and btw I am a minister.
    Oh and btw I know the law.
    Oh and btw I have the authority of the Good Lord to tell you that it is time for you to go now.

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    • Oh my gosh …thank you so much Bethany … what can I say?… this means so much to me … to be stood up for… what a blessing , what a blessing… thank you for helping me take one more step in knowing that in spite of his and my mother’s cruelties … that it is not my fault … thanks again so so much!!!!!…:)

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      • You are a gift. You are special. You were made for great things and you are a gift to SOOO many! They tried to shame you, guilt you, blame you. They have no power over you anymore. They lost all rights to have a voice when they took yours away. You regained your voice and they don’t get to come back and try to take you back down to their level again. You have risen too far above them. Evolved. Enlightened. Better. This is not your fault. This was never your fault. This is alllll on them. And they can hold that shame and stop trying to put it on you. Enough is enough. Their cruelties are back on them. They will try and give it to you but you are so beyond them. I’m glad you didn’t approve his comment. He has no rights here. His words don’t get to be spoken EVER again.
        I have your back and always will.
        You don’t deserve this.
        I’m so so sorry that anyone ever hurt you and is still trying to hurt you. I pray for your protection from any and all like them. You deserve to only be loved by real unconditional love. Abusers be GONE!!!!

        Liked by 4 people

  4. Hi Kae,

    this is so sad story and poem.Sometimes it is so hard to believe how people can be destructive . Sometimes I can not believe how people are wasting their time.But you are real fighter and you’ll end up with it, I am sure.Be brave, be strong, use our common positive energy to drive away dark clouds above your head.

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  5. I also did not know. 😦 I commend you for rejecting his manipulations and standing firm! God is using your writing gifts to minister to people all over the world, and your brother has no authority to stop it. You are a beloved daughter of the One True King!

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  7. I’ve got such a knot in my throat! But I’m grabbing your hand firmly, smiling and we will take a deep breath in together. There is the past, and this post today – but tomorrow there will be sunshine and cups brimming with yummy fermented things! Beautiful you and your daughter leaving all this behind. Much love to you Ms Bouquets! 💐

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  10. I didn’t know Kae. I’m just sorry that you had to go through all that. The problem with some people is that they just don’t want you to move on. Stay strong and fight. And as cliche as this might sound, yes, the pen is mightier than the sword.

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  15. Kae, I am thankful that I found this post. You are a gutsy courageous woman! I can not imagine the pain you have been through. I admire your determination to live fully. Your poetry is inspiring, courageous, playful, colorful and creative. I am glad to know you. I will reblog your posts too. I hope your brother will eventually have to face how he has abused you. I am thankful you have the courage to put him in his place. I am sending you hugs, light and courage. Roland 🙂🌹❤️

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  16. I have been abused by my grandpa when I have been twelve years old. My mother to whom I told this reacted as cold as ice. She is a notoriously liar, within the last ten years she split up the whole family with her lies and intrigue behavior. My sister in law, who uses to spread a lot of bad lies about me too, monitors my blog, and tells on my mother every time I write something true but not nice about my family, what I do very rarely. So I understand a little how you feel and what you are going through. In thoughts and my heart I am with you. ♥

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  19. Kae, as I read and reread your post my eyes mist with sympathetic, then angry tears – sympathy for your suffering, long-suffering at the hands of abuse that ne’er should have happened and anger at those hands of your brother’s ill, evil intent and the silent voices and deaf ears of all who enabled and supported him. I stand amazed at you, your integrity and recovery, your courage and commitment not to be underseige by your brother’s or anyone’s desire and deed to vilify you. Carry on, stalwart soul! Carry on! Love and peace and power be unto you, always and in all ways, Paul

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  21. You are a strong woman–a survivor, not a victim. Your response to your brother was perfect. He obviously has no sense of boundaries, no sense of guilt, and no intention of repentance. He is toxic and needs to be not a part of your life in any way. Stay strong!

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  25. I am saddened so much but also enlightened by the me, too movement. I was sexually abused by some of my mother’s drug addicted friends/customers growing up, including her second husband. I was blamed, then the denial started. I lost many years of milestones and learning life skills just trying to cope, escape, and break free of the abuse/denial chain. I am 45 now and given my own children the childhood that was stolen from me. Now, I have to repair that girl, and become who I was meant to be. Never let them hold you back! Take back your power! I am, and I support those who join me, and am willing to help those who are not as strong. You are NOT alone. Kae, thank you for being courageous.

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  26. Hi Kae, I’m going to skip reading all the other comments so that I have time to write mine. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am even more gutted at the way your mum has treated you. I know God is working on your heart and you are learning to forgive and be strong, but I just want to assure you that you have another supporter who will stand by you and pray for you. I know you have probably been told this already by all the lovely people on here and the Christians you have around you in ‘real life’, but I want to add this anyway:

    1. This is not acceptable in any way.
    2. You are not to blame for this
    £. You WILL get through this with the strength of Jesus,
    4. The same power that raised him from the dead is alive in you.
    5. This monster will not get away with this and he will not win.

    xxx

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