Now I see what you mean about the last two years, in regards your heritage? That sounds like big news!! I kept thinking that I didn’t remember that as being your last name 🙂
This topic about nature is so interesting. I had read about this a while ago, in regards to the way plants communicate…so fascinating. But when you consider how important our own biomes are, and the role bacteria plays in our own bodies, and that they have an intelligence as well…makes the whole “go with your gut” thing so compelling.
Darrin had a bamboo plant by his bed for a couple of years that flourished. After he passed away, it keeled over at a perfect 90 degree angle…it was extraordinary. I decided to do what I could to nurture it back, and it slowly straightened up again. 31 months later, it’s still going, straight as can be, in the same cute vase he used…it’s not even in soil, just a glass of water ❤
Thank you. I wasn’t really clear, sorry about that.
It was a devastating battle with pancreatic cancer…it still seems so surreal. I’m a different person, that is for sure
I can’t even imagine … the long suffering for both of you.. and yes of course it’s surreal! Talking / writing about it might help … One can’t come out if something like this… the same…
The trauma affected me cognitively for a long time. There were other complicating factors and I don’t know how I got through all of it…God carried both of us. It was a profoundly spiritual time for both of us.
I feel like I am just starting to think more clearly again, and memory is coming back. I really lost the poetry and couldn’t find the words…we’ll see 🙂
For me… yes…after learning that my father was not my biological father… that my conception was the result of a one night stand… that I was not Hungarian like I thought… but rather Mexican/ Native and that my mother didn’t want me to come around her anymore once I found out… that was a powerful low for me… but the upswing.. the Lord has been using it to birth in me a discovery of who my Native ancestors are, the wonder of discovering my Latino heritage, and the honor of being published as a Chicano poet…
Wow, Kimberly! Layers of complexity…it’s interesting the way I have really pondered identity since losing Darrin and our life together, but that is a whole different level for you.
I am so sorry about your mother, how heart breaking for you. That is a deep grief of its own.
Congratulations on being published that way, that’s awesome! What a fantastic way to be welcomed into a new identity…God does work in amazing ways!
I would think that identity would be a huge consideration after losing Darrin.. especially after his illness bringing such a strong focus on him.. I have never lost a husband but to divorce.. but yes, there was much grieving… the loss of biological connection to the father on my birth certificate and my beloved grandparents… the loss of not only my mother but who I had thought she had been.. the loss of the father , grandparents I would never meet because they passed before I found out, the loss of a childhood which could have been filled with the companionship of the five siblings I never knew I had… the loss of my sense of self.. I wandered aimlessly through my home for the first couple days after.. afraid of my own skin… because the man who gave it to me was a stranger..
But you are so correct .. the Lord is faithful.. so faithful… having given me a dream, and poetry about being Native even before I found out.. whispering to me .. you have no idea how far I will take you into the circle… welcoming me through the words of intertribal leaders, publishing my broken hearted attempts to reconnect with who I am…:)
You describe that loss of sense of self so perfectly!
I hope you had safe places for all of that grieving?
Life really is about navigating losses, isn’t it? But all this stripping away…at the end there is us and God…it’s confronting and sobering and I realised how much of our life is about denial and distraction from really profound realities.
Darrin was a pastor, and there were many times when the greatest comfort to people in his care, was that God’s family is for everyone, no matter how painful and broken our earthly families can be. I realised there was all this advice given out over the years that I needed to start taking myself!
It’s getting late here and I need to go, but it has been really lovely catching up with you. Blessings on your ongoing journey!
Moccasins at Meadow Arc 
Now I see what you mean about the last two years, in regards your heritage? That sounds like big news!! I kept thinking that I didn’t remember that as being your last name 🙂
This topic about nature is so interesting. I had read about this a while ago, in regards to the way plants communicate…so fascinating. But when you consider how important our own biomes are, and the role bacteria plays in our own bodies, and that they have an intelligence as well…makes the whole “go with your gut” thing so compelling.
Darrin had a bamboo plant by his bed for a couple of years that flourished. After he passed away, it keeled over at a perfect 90 degree angle…it was extraordinary. I decided to do what I could to nurture it back, and it slowly straightened up again. 31 months later, it’s still going, straight as can be, in the same cute vase he used…it’s not even in soil, just a glass of water ❤
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Oh wow… I wasn’t quite sure what you had meant by losing Darrin.. again.. I am so sorry for your loss..
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Thank you. I wasn’t really clear, sorry about that.
It was a devastating battle with pancreatic cancer…it still seems so surreal. I’m a different person, that is for sure
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can’t even imagine … the long suffering for both of you.. and yes of course it’s surreal! Talking / writing about it might help … One can’t come out if something like this… the same…
LikeLiked by 1 person
The trauma affected me cognitively for a long time. There were other complicating factors and I don’t know how I got through all of it…God carried both of us. It was a profoundly spiritual time for both of us.
I feel like I am just starting to think more clearly again, and memory is coming back. I really lost the poetry and couldn’t find the words…we’ll see 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
For me… yes…after learning that my father was not my biological father… that my conception was the result of a one night stand… that I was not Hungarian like I thought… but rather Mexican/ Native and that my mother didn’t want me to come around her anymore once I found out… that was a powerful low for me… but the upswing.. the Lord has been using it to birth in me a discovery of who my Native ancestors are, the wonder of discovering my Latino heritage, and the honor of being published as a Chicano poet…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow, Kimberly! Layers of complexity…it’s interesting the way I have really pondered identity since losing Darrin and our life together, but that is a whole different level for you.
I am so sorry about your mother, how heart breaking for you. That is a deep grief of its own.
Congratulations on being published that way, that’s awesome! What a fantastic way to be welcomed into a new identity…God does work in amazing ways!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I would think that identity would be a huge consideration after losing Darrin.. especially after his illness bringing such a strong focus on him.. I have never lost a husband but to divorce.. but yes, there was much grieving… the loss of biological connection to the father on my birth certificate and my beloved grandparents… the loss of not only my mother but who I had thought she had been.. the loss of the father , grandparents I would never meet because they passed before I found out, the loss of a childhood which could have been filled with the companionship of the five siblings I never knew I had… the loss of my sense of self.. I wandered aimlessly through my home for the first couple days after.. afraid of my own skin… because the man who gave it to me was a stranger..
But you are so correct .. the Lord is faithful.. so faithful… having given me a dream, and poetry about being Native even before I found out.. whispering to me .. you have no idea how far I will take you into the circle… welcoming me through the words of intertribal leaders, publishing my broken hearted attempts to reconnect with who I am…:)
LikeLiked by 1 person
You describe that loss of sense of self so perfectly!
I hope you had safe places for all of that grieving?
Life really is about navigating losses, isn’t it? But all this stripping away…at the end there is us and God…it’s confronting and sobering and I realised how much of our life is about denial and distraction from really profound realities.
Darrin was a pastor, and there were many times when the greatest comfort to people in his care, was that God’s family is for everyone, no matter how painful and broken our earthly families can be. I realised there was all this advice given out over the years that I needed to start taking myself!
It’s getting late here and I need to go, but it has been really lovely catching up with you. Blessings on your ongoing journey!
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Yes… life is most definitely a journey..He is the potter.. we are the clay which is so profoundly loved. So many hugs to you:)
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Thank you! Hugs back 🙂
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